Your face is a jimmy john
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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