I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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