no, he came in my armpit
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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