Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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