Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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