chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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