i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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