found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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