Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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