We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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