I smell stomach acid.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
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once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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