My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
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I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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