This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
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He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
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I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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