Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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