our cab driver is having phone sex.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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