If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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