Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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