I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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