do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
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you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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