PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
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Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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