I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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