My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
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you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
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Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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