How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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