Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
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We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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