I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize