I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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