You made me cry and you don't even care
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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