I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize