I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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