My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize