seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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