I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize