I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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