If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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