Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize