Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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