Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
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i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Success! We fucked roommates!
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