Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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