My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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