I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
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You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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