Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
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i think i scared a bird with my dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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