I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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