i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
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you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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