if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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