We named our party play list daddy issues
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
FUCK WHALES
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