Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Screwed.edu
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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