so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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