i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
high people should be assigned attendants
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize