the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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