So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize